Atok.

Saturday, November 05, 2016 Umm Khadeejah 0 Comments

My atok passed away today and I haven't shed a tear. Maybe not yet. Maybe it hasn't sunk in. I don't know. For a highly emotional being, I'm kinda worried for myself. Am I not grieving? or have I already accepted the fact that I was just waiting for this day to come?

I started the day being productive and feeling positive for the day ahead of me. My usual routine starts with breakfast and preparing bekal for the hubs. Did a load of laundry and bathed the baby. Then swept and mopped our room and cleaned the toilet. After all the morning hustle and bustle it was time to put baby down for her nap. That was when I got a call from daddy and he told me the news. Suddenly my day went from bright and warm to grey and hazy...It was just before solatul jumaah and I told hubs the news. He immediately made du'a and reminded me to do the same and that it is a good sign that he has passed away on a Friday. (one of the signs a person has died a good death inshaAllah)

Dying on the night or day of Friday, because the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “there is no Muslim who dies on the day of Friday or the night of Friday, but Allaah will protect him from the trial (fitnah) of the grave.” Narrated by Ahmad, 6546; al-Tirmidhi, 1074. al-Albaani said: When all its isnaads are taken into consideration, this hadeeth is hasan or saheeh.

Within the next few hours we were on our way to my kampung in Raub where he would be buried. We didn't make it in time for the burial itself but everyone was still there when we arrived. It was already almost maghrib and getting dark so we head back to atok's house. There, all of our family gathered, my aunties, uncles and cousins were all present except a few. Kinda felt like it was raya but even on raya we rarely get a full house. Yet this time it was, only it did not feel full. There was a quiet mood instead of the noisy chit chats we are used to at family gatherings. As I entered the home, I immediately noticed the empty bed sitting in the hallway, unoccupied and empty. Atok... Where is he? I quickly remembered then looked away, turning my attention to Khadeejah who distracted everyone else too. I see my dad holding her up and blowing on her belly which made her giggle. He told me that atok used to love doing that to me and I half-smiled, reminiscing just that. I remember him trying to do that to me even though I was 12 and totally feeling embarrassed by it cos I was a 'big girl' and no longer a baby. I remembered that every time I came back to visit he would say my name in a sing-song tune "Eleanor, Eleanor..." and signal me to come closer for hug. But for the past few years as his health deteriorated, he stopped calling my name but his face still lit up when he saw me. I missed that face.

As time went on, it took him longer to recognise me and harder for me to understand his speech. Perhaps I already mourned for our relationship and never realised it. Perhaps that is why I didn't tear up or cry today...oh wait, here it comes. Oh atok... I already miss you so much!  :'( I'm glad I came to see you last week even though you were asleep but I got to hold your hand for one last time. I'm glad you were there at my wedding and made it extra special for me, and I wish you knew how much it meant. I know how excited you were for me that you told everyone who came to visit you. You even mistook the date of the nikah and wanted to get ready even though it was the following week. (As I was told by my aunt)  and last but not least I'm glad Khadeejah had a chance to meet her tok nyang several times. I'll remember the funny faces you pulled just to make her laugh.

A recollection.

About 5 years ago, after just getting my licence I remember driving you around town to do errands and you kept saying "betul ke boleh drive ni?" and kept panicking in the passenger seat reminding me to make a turn every few minutes.  As we drove around town, random people stopped to say hello to you and tanya khabar because they recognised you. I asked him, "atok kenal ke orang tadi tu?" and he replied, "sebenarnya atok pun tak ingat" and we both laughed. I asked daddy that evening what atok did for a living back then. He was a state clerk who helped many kampung folks get jobs back in the day, which explains a lot. My dad also said that atok never failed to go to the masjid for prayers. He was a simple man with a good heart who lived an honest living. That is my atok. May Allah bless him and grant him forgiveness and mercy. May he be raised in ranks amongst those who are righteous and enter Jannah Al Firdaus. Ameen. You will be sorely missed and I pray we can be reunited in the hereafter. I also want to extend my du'aa to daddy, my aunties and uncles who have taken turns tirelessly in caring for their father especially in the recent years. May Allah reward them for all the patience and hard work. It is exemplary and I hope I can live up to that when time comes for me to care for them. May Allah grant us all a good ending and have mercy on us. Ameen ya Rabb.