You Can't Have It All... or Can You?
About two weeks ago, my mama MiL shared a short video clip on our family whatsapp group (every family has a whatsapp group nowadays right? It's like the dinner table of this day and age, isn't it) and it was a snippet of a well-dressed lady talking about juggling her career and motherhood. She said, "I don't think women can have it all, I just don't think so. We pretend we have it all. We pretend we can have it all." I was immediately intrigued. She then goes on to say that she has two daughters and that everyday it was like you are gonna have to make a decision whether you wanna be a wife or a mother or a CEO. She shares the reality of the conflict between the biological clock and the career clock. "Just as you rise to middle management, your kids need you cos they are teenagers and they need you for those teenage years, and by that time your husband decides to be a teenager too so he needs you too.", she laughs and apologises to someone in the crowd whom I presume is her husband. She mentions having to co-op with a lot of people to make it work: family, extended family, colleagues, friends...they are all involved in helping you in this parenting gig. And all though you do all that you can and think you've done a good job at being a mother, your kids might not always see you that way. She recounts missing "class coffee with mothers" at her daughter's school and her daughter would point this out and she'd feel guilty about it. Which leads my wandering mind to this:Mum Guilt.
Having seen that clip, I realised that every kind of mother has this 'Mum Guilt' syndrome. Whether you are a CE0 mum or a stay at home mum or a work at home mum, whatever it is that you do, you're probably experiencing some form of this. A mum who has to go to the office to work 9-5 and sometimes even have to travel abroad, feels guilty for leaving her child in someone else's care. A mum who is a full-time homemaker, feels guilty for not contributing towards the family finances. A mum who works from home, feels guilty for not being able to give her full undivided attention to her child because she's busy on her laptop chasing deadlines (that's me). And it's true what she says, that we can't have it all. But you have to make it work. How?
Coping Mechanisms.
The moment the lady in the video said these two words, I was like "aha!" It is really all there is to it in managing yourself as a mother, wife and working person. You need to know what works for you in order for you to achieve maximum potential and productivity within your daily life. Now I'm not an expert in this because honestly, I'm still figuring it out myself, but I am beginning to identify my coping mechanisms that are unique to me. Here are some of my few precious CM's:1. Family
From day one of becoming a new mum, I am blessed with help from family, especially a few special individuals. Sometimes I would have to ask for help, but most times they offer it and do it without my request. I am so appreciative of my aunties who came to visit with home-cooked meals during my confinement period, one even helped me tidy up the kitchen and watch over the baby while I had a shower. Another auntie came to massage me 1-2 times a week for the first few weeks. I have many aunties you see, and as my late mother isn't around, they are all mothers to me. I especially owe most of my gratitude to my amazing mother-in-law who has helped me prepare for the baby during my pregnancy and now she cares for Khadeejah when she comes home after work (She's the Working Professor Mum AND the Super Awesome and Loving Grandma). I'm horrible at expressing my gratitude at times so please know that you are in my du'aas. Jazakillahu khayra mama. <3 I'm also thankful for my dad who takes us out for a treat whenever he's in town. Khadeejah enjoys herself every time. You really do appreciate your parents more when you become one yourself and I enjoy watching Khadeejah spend time with her grandparents. She's so blessed to be around them constantly.
2. Routine
Honestly, I'm still trying to get this one down. I do have some kind of routine, however I remind myself that I need to switch it up once in a while, to break the monotony. Like I know I need to get out of the house more often and take Khadeejah out to see the world so I take any opportunity to go out when it comes by. Especially if there is an event or social gathering that involves other babies and children cos she needs to socialise too. *I* need to socialise too! Despite my introvert tendencies. Anyway, having some kind of routine really helps me cope cos I get really out of it or cranky when it gets disrupted. For example, I pull an all-nighter to work and the next day I'm just super exhausted because of the lack of sleep, which makes it difficult for me to mum for the rest of the day. This has been happening quite often recently and it's not healthy. I need to make more effort in trying to manage my work while keeping the child occupied during the day. All they really want is your attention or something to focus their attention on. Perhaps some activities or new play things (or the same toys but rotate them so it seems new to them after a while). Like I said, still tryna figure this one out.
3. Passion
Keep doing the things you love to do. Or explore new hobbies or interests that acts as an outlet or therapeutic activity. For me, Alhamdulillah, my work is my passion. I don't think I'll ever stop designing because it's what I love to do. I love creating things, sometimes hands-on, through DIY projects. The other day, I took the task of decorating a dear friend's bridal shower and I just enjoyed every moment of doing it despite being tired at times, it just brought me joy. And then seeing the decorations coming together and others enjoying the sight of it made me happy too. And not to mention writing this blog! I am so glad I started this and getting support and encouragement from many of my friends really helps too. I love that I am able to share my thoughts and musings. And I really hope they are somewhat beneficial or entertaining, at least.
4. Islam
Without the remembrance of Allah, prayers, du'aas and the Qur'an, there really is no way of coping even if all the above is in check. And I feel this very strongly at times when my iman is low or I am slacking in my ibaadah. This is an everyday struggle for me and I know it's my test. It is so easy to get pre-occupied with your worldly duties that you forget to come back to your duties to your Creator. May Allah strengthen our imaan and taqwa. Ameen. He is after all, The Sustainer and Provider of the worlds. How could we ever cope without Him? Sometimes, when all else fails, all you can really do is ask for forgiveness and just du'aa it. You'll find that His assistance is always on standby, through many forms and means around you.
Sure, we may not have it all in this dunya, but it was never meant to be that way. So try not to feel guilty about whatever situation you are in as a mother, Allah has decreed it that way and it is the best way for you and your children inshaAllah. The truth is, we *can* have it all, if we simply choose to see it that way. Besides, that is what the Prophet (SAW) has taught us. To be contented with all your affairs, good and bad, is the attitude of a true believer. As the hadith by Muslim goes (rated saheeh),
وعن أبي يحيى صهيب بن سنان رضي الله عنه قال: قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم "عجبا لأمر المؤمن إن أمره كله له خير، وليس ذلك لأحد إلا للمؤمن : إن أصابته سراء شكر فكان خيراً له، وإن أصابته ضراء صبر فكان خيراً له" ((رواه مسلم)).
Abu Yahya Suhaib bin Sinan (May Allah be pleased with him) reported that:
The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity attends him, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him; and if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is better for him".
[Saheeh Muslim].
[Saheeh Muslim].
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