Muslim Mummyhood: Motherhood

Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts

As expected, he woke up crying at midnight and I routinely took him back to bed. With his little chin tucked in, he gently patted my chest and I obliged. It was a call of duty. One that I, despite being such a strong advocate of and have never compromised on it, have been enjoying less and less with the accumulation of nights that lacked restfulness and days that lacked freeness. In fact, I’ve been spending the past week trying to firmly establish my personal boundaries, much to his dismay.

There I was again, holding him in my arms, just doing what needed to be done. Being so close, it was hard not to take a whiff of the sourish sweetness from his soft curly head. I thought to myself, “I’m gonna miss this someday. He’s only a baby for a very short time. He’s getting bigger. He’s not always going to depend on me like this”. Guilt tinged my heart as I tried to recall how often I had spent this very special moment to truly connect and be present. Rather, I’ve been treating it as an inconvenience; one which I tolerated as I multi-tasked or busy my mind until he got his fill. Sure, there were days when I would have a lot on my plate and to simply nurse whilst doing nothing else felt unproductive but more often than not, even when I had the chance to slow things down a notch, I would choose to do or think of anything else except focus on this person that is latched onto me. I have been missing out on the opportunity to bond with my child when he is dependent on me. The kind of bonding that would build trust and sense of security.

“‘Unbusy’ your head and ‘unbusy’ your body. Be fully there, interested only in your baby for that time.” -- Magda Gerber

The idea of treating children, especially young ones, as conscious beings that are fully aware is not quite the norm in conventional parenting today. In this article, Janet Lansbury (Parent Educator of the Respectful Parenting Approach) gives her perspective on nursing being an intimate experience and how we can be more attentive instead of making a feeding session nothing more than just a meal.

Habitual connections matter. With constant consistency, small and simple acts become the building blocks of a solid relationship. It made me wonder -- what does this say about our connection with Allah?

We usually feel the most need to connect with Allah in dire times, when we have exhausted all of our abilities and feel like there is nothing left for us but to seek Allah’s aid. As if those are the only moments that we are truly in need of Allah. Could it be that we have forgotten that our entire being is dependent on Allah and neither a breath or a heartbeat can occur if Allah didn’t allow it?

“Nothing shall ever happen to us except what Allah has ordained for us” [Surah At-Tawbah 9:51]

Likewise, we often reflect upon the glory and blessings of Allah when we feel significant happiness or when we witness the beauty of Allah’s creation, such as a spectacular sunset on a pristine beach amidst the calming sound of waves. But you don’t have to take a vacation to admire and appreciate Allah’s creations. Just look at the creation of this baby in our arms, who is living, breathing, and growing in front of our eyes. The baby who started out as nothing more than the size of a poppy seed. SubhanAllah.

Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels

It suddenly made sense to me why we have been prescribed to remember Allah in some of the most habitual things that we do; from waking up in the morning to lifting a piece of food into our mouths. Such seemingly insignificant acts, yet immense in the reflections that we can make.

Our children will not be dependent on us forever the way we depend on Allah. So despite the exhaustion the day brings or if we're simply feeling zoned out - perhaps by taking a moment to acknowledge how much we are dependent on Him, we can be more present and connected with our children. As a result, we become more grounded in our faith, establish a trusting connection with Him and have assurance in His love, owing to the fact that Allah never tires in His presence with us -- both in hardship and ease.

“Those who have believed and whose hearts are assured by the remembrance of Allah. Unquestionably, by the remembrance of Allah hearts are assured.” [Surah Ar-R’ad 13:28]

About our Guest Author

Umm H is the mom behind @learning.to.mom and has two boys ages 3 and 1 with a multicultural background. She documents her journey in raising children to become righteous Muslims through conscious and respectful parenting. The approach that she uses in her parenting is inspired by @janetlansbury who advocates the RIE approach. Umm H is also a believer in child-led play, self-directed learning and advocates natural and sustainable living. She realizes her Pinterest dreams by organizing an Arabic playgroup for young children.

Don't forget to follow me @muslimmummyhood on Instagram and/or Facebook for more updates on our homeschooling journey and my musings on motherhood!
BaarakAllahu feekum.

Photo by Andreas Wohlfahrt from Pexels

My second-born, Aaminah, who just turned one, started taking her first baby steps a few days ago. And here I am feeling a little bittersweet cos I feel like her baby year just flew by, even more so than Khadeejah's first year. Is it just me or do they grow up faster after having more than one child? Looking back, I feel like I've changed so much as a mother after giving birth to her.

My pregnancy with her was Alhamdulillah, a breeze in a sense that I had very few morning sickness and barely any symptoms during the first to second trimester, but I had a lot of anxiety throughout. For those who are not new to my blog, you'd know that prior to this pregnancy, I had an ectopic pregnancy where I had my left fallopian tube removed. That experience took me 6 months to feel like myself again and by the mercy of Allah I conceived just after the first few tries of TTC (trying to conceive).

As soon as I found out I was pregnant again, I was happy but more so terrified that there was a possibility it could be another ectopic. I had to wait six to eight weeks to get a placement scan so we could see wether the fetus was in the womb or not. Those weeks of waiting felt like the longest. I just remember thinking about it all the time and making lots of du'a that this pregnancy would be safe and I wouldn't have to go through that again. I didn't allow myself to feel completely happy to be pregnant again until I knew for sure that all is OK. However, even after the placement scan and I saw the tiny flutter of heartbeat, my anxiety did not fade away.

You see, when I got pregnant the first time, not once did I think that anything could go wrong... even though I was aware that miscarriages could happen but I never really worried about that possibility. But the moment it happens to you, and you've experienced a form of pregnancy loss of your own, it's like BAM- all of the million possibilities of a pregnancy going wrong starts running through your mind, and you just WORRY. SO. MUCH. Even the fact that I barely had any pregnancy symptoms during the first trimester made me worry cos I was expecting the morning sickness, the swollen breasts, the bloated stomach - anything to indicate that I was pregnant despite knowing I'm positive. It was like I needed to *feel* pregnant immediately to be at peace. Only by the 2nd trimester I was able to breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that I'm kind of in the "safe zone" now and that I was already showing a little pooch and I was definitely 'feeling' pregnant.

Alhamdulillah I am so grateful for my very supportive husband, who was always there when I had a panic moment and he'd assure me that inshaAllah things would be OK and that I should be more positive and hopeful and keep making du'a to Allah. Thank you, yang. 😍

But as the pregnancy progressed, I was having to deal with my then two and a half year old toddler who was well, going through her terrible twos and I didn't have all the time in the world to lay down and rest as I did when I was pregnant with her. So it was TIRING. And it was a busy year for me too as not only was I freelancing, I was managing a bi-weekly playgroup and teaching 2 art classes a week. I kept myself busy and I was rather productive actually. But I was exhausted and stressed all the time. Towards the end of my pregnancy I even had high BP that I needed to be admitted.

Fast Forward To My Delivery

Alhamdulillah, much like the pregnancy, her delivery was also a breeze (metaphorically, of course, I was sweating my hijab off) but in comparison to the first where I had a 32-hour-marathon of a labour, it took lesser time and I didn't require an induction. I went into active labour around midnight and she was out by 10 am, after only a 7 minute push-time! Perhaps I'll do a birth story in another post inshaAllah.

But here's when one of the most memorable moments in my life came to be, the moment when she arrived. Not only did the after birth relief felt exhilarating (takbeer!), but boy was I elated to hear her first cry. As soon as the midwife placed her on to my chest for our first skin-to-skin, I felt a huge shift in my emotional state. The anxiety was GONE. Banished! I was the most at peace after nine long months of worry and anxiety. Allahu Akbar. She was my peace. I thought to myself, my baby is here! My rainbow baby is here. I finally allowed myself to feel completely happy. I gazed at her tiny peaceful face and it felt so right to name her the name we had chosen for her, Aaminah, which means calm; free of worry and fear.

Calm and Collected

True enough, she lived up to her name. She was calm and non fussy as a newborn. Her first three months also a breeze. Besides the usual night feeds and diaper changes, she latched on like a pro and most times I'd only have to feed and burp her and I could put her down and she'd fall asleep on her own. It gave me much time to rest and also give the attention her sister needed too during that adjustment period.

I definitely feel much more relaxed and because I kinda now what to expect, and now that I'm no longer a first-time-mum, everything feels a lot more manageable and less 'on my toes'. As for handling two kids at once, it was easier than I imagined it to be as they both had very different needs to attend to. Khadeejah, all though happy to meet her new sibling, was a bit sulky with me at first, adjusting to the divided attention. But Alhamdulillah after a few weeks she started to come around.

In saying that, I'm now having to deal with different new phases of childhood with her older sister (aka the Threenager and soon to be Fournado phase) so I'm holding on to whatever calm I can get! and for now, that's you Aaminah. I know you'll be going through all these phases too but I won't forget the peace I received from you which is truly from Allah SWT. Even though I'm guilty for not taking as many photos or videos of you, I hope I can always remember and cherish this wonderful baby year I had with you.

Don't forget to follow me @muslimmummyhood on Instagram and/or Facebook for more updates on our homeschooling journey and my musings on motherhood!
BaarakAllahu feekum.

Note: I starting writing this piece just about a week after my ectopic surgery but I couldn't bring myself to finish writing it then. So I'm doing so now (it's been 2 months and 2 weeks + since).

This is my personal recount of my ectopic pregnancy experience. The main purpose of putting this in my blog is a form of my healing and grieving process, as I find a kind of relief in expressing through words and sharing my story. Secondly, to spread awareness of this condition and that it could happen to anyone. (1 out 80 pregnancies are ectopic). I hope that others who also went through this experience would find comfort in my story as well, knowing that they aren't alone and that there are many women out there who has gone through this as well. This is also an experience I never want to forget.

16th May, 2017.

Exactly a week ago around 11PM, I was sitting in the emergency waiting area of PPUM for my number to be called. My daughter already cranky cos she's overtired but unable to sleep in the cold, fluorescent-lit environment. I tried to bf her to sleep and dodoi her but to no avail. At the same time, the knot in my abdomen started to feel a tad bit like contractions. Hubs and I started to regret coming to the hospital at this hour with a kid in tow but I just needed to know what was wrong with me. I had been experiencing abdominal pains/cramps for a few days now, accompanied with mild spotting/ light bleeding. I told the doc I'm not due for my next period yet which should be within two weeks. She asked for my last period date and if I could be pregnant. I told her I did the home pregnancy test just this morning and it showed positive, so yes. I was then told to do another urinal test just to be sure, but had to wait another 2 hours for the results.

So we did. And my 18 month old girl was still up, way past her bedtime. We went back after 2 hours and I was referred to a gynea this time. Khadeejah was starting to cry and it was very stressful so hubs took her out but thankfully she fell asleep after some time. The gynea performed a pelvic ultrasound as well as a TVS (Trans vaginal scan) and couldn't see anything in my womb, despite my positive pregnancy. I studied her face as she was scanning me and she looked perplexed. "Where could my baby be?" I thought to myself. She mentioned that maybe I'm still too early in my pregnancy to see anything. We went back to the emergency room and I sat silently as I watched her type very loudly on her computer. I was starting to phase out cos it was nearly 2 am. At least Khadeejah was asleep in her stroller now. The doc turned to me and said I needed to do a blood test. Beta HCG. But I needed to do it again within 48 hours which meant I needed to come back to the hospital again around this hour, which is totally inconvenient for me. She discussed with the staff nurse and after a phone call to her supervisor, she just decided for me to proceed anyway. After taking my blood, she told me to go home and just wait for her call in the morning.

We went home that night and I was feeling alright as the pain had subside. Next morning, I woke up to my hubs nudging me and I saw that he was on the phone looking worried. The call ended and he turned to me, "Get ready. We need to go to the hospital now.", in an urgent voice. I asked him what the doc said and he was reluctant to tell me. "Just tell me, yang." He sighed. "I don't know, she said something like the levels of something in your blood is high and possibly dangerous and that you need to be admitted as soon as possible." As he said that I suddenly felt the pain my abdomen coming back, as if to confirm what he said.

We got ready and I packed my bag, knowing I was going to be admitted. I called my dad and told him about it but he was already going out of town, and told me to keep him updated. Poor Khadeejah had to be woken up from her sleep even though I knew she wanted to sleep in from the previous late night.

We arrived to the hospital around 10am and it took some time trying to find a parking spot so hubs dropped me off first but I wanted to wait for him before seeing the doc, so I got some breakfast for Khadeejah and I. Then I realized I left my phone in the car so I had to borrow a random lady's phone to call the hubs. He was still looking for parking so I decided to just go ahead first and told him to meet me there. The doc had instructed us to go straight to the OBGYN ward.

As I got there, they immediately did another TVS, and found that there was now fluid present near my uterus and it could either be blood or water but either way it's not a good sign. They told me my HCG levels were high, about 2500, and with that count, we should already be able to see the fetus inside my uterus. But it's not there. It was then I first heard the words 'ectopic pregnancy'. Kandungan luar rahim. She told me the fetus is probably in one of my fallopian tubes and that this was dangerous as the tube is not designed to carry a fetus so it could rupture at any moment. That could cause me to bleed out and I could die within a few hours if that happens. She then went on to tell me that I would need to have a laparoscopic surgery immediately and described the procedure to me. My husband was not here yet and I was just in total shock at the point to stomach the information that I was being told. I just needed my husband. He should be here right now. I asked the nurse if I could borrow her phone. He said he was already there so I went out to find him and brought him back to the gynea's room.

She explained again, now to my husband and as he was now trying to process the information, it began to hit me like a ton of bricks. I COULD DIE. This was serious. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to meet Allah. "Omg I need to bertaubat." "I'm not ready, I'm not ready." I kept thinking to myself. Ya Allah, please forgive me for all my sins. All these thoughts were running through my head as I sat there blankly. I could feel a lump in my throat. We were ushered outside in the waiting room to be transferred to another ward and I was to start fasting in preparation for the surgery. Khadeejah was due for her morning nap so I cradled and nursed her to sleep. Soon I started weeping and turned to hubs and told him "I'm not ready yang. I'm not ready to meet Allah." He then said, with tears welling up in his eyes, "Don't say that. Think positive. It'll be OK inshaAllah."

"But it can happen. You always tell me that death can come at anytime." I cried. He held me but remained firm and told me to just think positive and keep making du'a. He told me not to think about all that right now. Just istighfar and make dua. I wiped my tears and looked at my sleeping Khadeejah, the coolness of my eyes, and told myself the same. I need to positive. If not for me, then for my daughter.

So I was wheeled to the main tower of PPUM in which I would be warded as I was supposed to wait 6 hours for my surgery to commence. Hubs had already informed both our families by then of what was happening. We also needed to think of Khadeejah's care for the next 24-48 hours. On the way to the ward, I texted my closest cousin, Ayne, and she came right away. She took Khadeejah (who was still napping) down to the lobby while I settled in the ward, and the long waiting hours began.

The pain in my abdomen became a constant cramping and throbbing feeling but my vitals were fine, I had no fever and my bp was ok. But the nurses had to monitor me closely and I was to be checked every half an hour. Around 2pm, Khadeejah woke up from her nap and I nursed her and hugged her closely before she left with my SiL who would take care of her for the night. That was the first time she was ever away from me but I knew she'd be in good hands.

Hours passed, docs came and went, asking me the same questions and I was growing more and more anxious about the op. As it was almost time, I was told that I had to wait a little bit more as there was another patient before me who was still in the OT. She too, was an ectopic patient but hers was more complicated than mine and I thanked Allah when I heard that, knowing it could be worse. So I waited patiently. Hubs was with me now and he was only having his first meal of the day at 7pm. He was running around all day, getting the medical papers and fees sorted, sorting out Khadeejah's care, and getting me whatever I needed for my hospital stay. He looked exhausted but he was still trying to make me smile and distracting me from feeling nervous.

My turn finally came up and I could hear the bed to transport me to the OT being wheeled up to my room. I remember just trying to keep myself calm with dhikr and du'aas. The feeling of lying on the cold bed on the way to the OT was terrifying. Suddenly all my senses were amplified, all I could see was white fluorescent lights passing by, hospital interior and signage, sounds of footsteps, the turning wheels of the bed, and elevator bells. I was thinking about those medical TV shows like ER or House and I've seen these images before but now I know what it really feels like and never had I imagined anything like it. In other words, rasa cuak gile ah. I kept on murmuring "La ilaha illallah" to myself but as we got closer to the OT, I started to freak out and held hubby's hand tighter and tighter and focused on him. He told me it was going to be OK and it'll be over soon and hot tears kept rolling down my cheek. I was scared. This was my first ever op and someone's gonna puncture some holes in body! How could you not be terrified of that.

The wheeling stopped, and I overheard the nurses being informed that the OT is still in use, that there was another emergency case (more emergency than mine) and they had to occupy it. Which meant I had to wait another few hours! All that crying and anxiety for nothing! I was relieved but totally peeved at the same time. Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal. I was wheeled back to my ward and unfortunately, hubs couldn't stay as it was past visiting hours and I was staying in an all women ward which meant that no male visitors were allowed to stay the night. I was sad to see him go but at the same time I wanted him to go home and get some rest too. There's no point for him to stay. At least he was there with me on the first trip to the OT. Now that I knew what to expect, I was less anxious to go there by myself. So adalah hikmahnya.

I waited a few more hours and it was only around 11pm that the OT was available for my turn. This time I kept it together and got through the whole journey with ease. When I entered, the room was cold and I changed into the surgery dress. I had to take off my hijab and they put on like a shower cap on me. I never felt so vulnerable in my life. They transferred me to the operating table and I really felt like I was gonna pee myself there and then. It hit me hard when I saw the huge bright lights (like the ones at the dentist, but 10 times bigger), and docs and nurses gathered around me to prep me, strapping on wires on me and whatnot. A warm hand gently pats my leg and I hear the voice of my surgeon (a really nice, bubbly lady who came to see me several times at the ward) and she told me not to worry, it will be a quick one.

Still, I was shaking, and the anesthesiologist informed me he was about to inject the sedation soon and it'll hurt but I'll be out before I know it. He was right. It felt like my whole arm when into a spasm as soon as the fluid went through me but I blacked out almost immediately. The next thing I knew, I was slowly waking up from my deep sleep and the op was over. The surgeon said all went well and it only took 20 minutes. I was so drowsy but I still had the energy to remind the nurse to put on my hijab before wheeling me back to the ward. I just wanted to feel covered and safe again.

I had a well rested sleep (the best I had in a long time) and the next morning I was feeling fine. Tired, but the cramps were gone and there were now 3 bandages on my abdomen, one on my belly button, one left and one right, where my fallopian tubes would be I suppose. My surgeon came to see me that morning and she was still her chirpy self (I wondered if she had any sleep at all?) and she told me that my left tube was successfully removed and it was already swollen. I didn't lose much blood at all due to clot that formed. (Which to me, sounded like one of Allah's miracles) so Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah... Allahu Akbar. I couldn't be more grateful. She continued to say that if all looks good, I could be discharged later that day. And I was. I couldn't wait to go home and see my daughter again. That night, my road to recovery began and I didn't know what to expect but I was just grateful to be alive and be with my family again.

May Allah bless all the doctors, surgeons, nurses, family and friends who were involved in my op and recovery, especially my husband and immediate family for the moral and emotional support through this. Ameen.

Every now and then, during long overdue catch-ups with friends/family or playdates and the likes, I almost always can count on having the discussion of "When do you do work at home with the baby?" or "How are you managing working and being a full-time mum?". Either I'm being asked that question or I'd be the one asking other working mums the same question. For now, I've settled with an easy answer - "Mommy by day, Designer by night". But the truth is, that's not always the case.

I've been a WAHM for more than a year now and it's still something I'm still struggling with everyday. To find the right balance is near to impossible when you have a little human being depending on you for their every need. My child will always be top priority and as a mother, I'm not just her caretaker but also her teacher and playmate so I'm actively finding ways to involve her in different activities every (or every other) day.

So not only do I make sure she's fed, bathed, and changed, I read books to her, bring her to the playground, play pretend tea-time, and whatever it is she wants to do that tickles her fancy. Not to mention, breastfeed on demand and put her down for naps two times a day which can be a total feat in itself. On top of that, there's laundry, cooking and cleaning happening in between here and there, sometimes halfway done or not done at all.

By the end of the day, (which is the time I look forward to since the moment I woke up) I'm mentally exhausted to think about work. And a lot of times, work just doesn't get done at all or if so, very little. So if you ask me how I'm managing, I'll tell you I'm not. I'll tell you it is a daily hustle to accomplish any work. And it takes a lot of inner-strength and passion to keep on going.

Here are a few of MY versions of the day in the life of a WAHM:

1. The All Nighter

Sometimes I pull an all-nighter and get a lot done, only to become a 'mombie' the next day and poor child's not gonna get the chirpy-happy version of mama. I try to make up for it by napping with her to catch up on some sleep but usually it's just a hazy day for me and chores will definitely be put on hold. That washed laundry pile can sit on the couch for another day - no worries!

2. Nap-Time Shifts

On good days when I've had enough rest during the night I'll try to sneak in some work during her nap-times. But it's not always consistent, she would go down twice a day for 1 and a half hours to 2 hours- which gives me 3-4 hours OR she'd go down once a day for a solid 2 or 3 hours and go to bed at night earlier. However, this method of working I find less satisfying due to the limited time and it kinda gives me anxiety just knowing she could wake up at any moment. Also sometimes, she'd wake up just as I start getting really into work and on a roll, which becomes a total buzzkill for me.

3. The Early Riser

This version doesn't happen often enough, but when it does, it feels good. Sleeping early with the baby and waking up in the wee hours in the morning around 4/5 AM fresh and ready to go. Ofcourse, it's also the best time for tahajjud and also praying fajr on time which is definitely a plus. I can get a few good working hours in (by forcing myself to stay up and resist the temptation of going back to sleep!) before the baby wakes up around 7 or 8.

4. Work and Play

With the nature of my job being that of chasing deadlines and clients requesting last minute jobs, I often find myself working during her play time. And that's the part that sucks cos even though there are times she plays comfortably by herself, most times she needs me to play with her. Sometimes she gets hungry and wants to breastfeed while I work which I've mastered by now (working with one hand on the laptop and the other holding her) but it slows down the working process. A 10 minute job could drag out to an hour due to all the 'interruptions'. Sometimes I'd get so frustrated I stop working all together and wait patiently til she naps, hoping to rush through the job in time for the deadline.

So there you have it, the more detailed and true answer to the question above. I always wonder how other WAHM's do it too, especially if they have more than one kid or if their job requires to be more hands on. Some have extra help at home like a maid or a nanny, some send their kids to their parents for a few hours during the day, and some do it the same as I do. You gotta find what works for you and what you are capable of doing. But it doesn't mean to say that I don't have my burnt out moments and poor hubby has to witness me transform into the crazy 'MOMSTER' time and again. It can get depressing and demotivating at times too.

Regardless of all the stress and exhaustion, I can't and won't give up working and continue pursuing my passion. Designing is a part of me, I have been doing it since I was 15...way before I became a wife and mother. It is who I am and no one can take that from me, especially not myself. This is why many mothers are doing side businesses or pursuing their studies and passions. Being a mother and a wife is a given, but to do something of your own that you love to do and strive to keep doing - is also just as important. It is important not to lose your identity in the midst of the increasing responsibilities that life throws at you.

Maybe I'll get better over time, or it gets easier as she grows up to be more independent, who knows. But right now, at this moment, this is how it is and I need to just make it work and take on each day as a new challenge. Nothing ever comes easy and hard work pays off. InshaAllah.

About two weeks ago, my mama MiL shared a short video clip on our family whatsapp group (every family has a whatsapp group nowadays right? It's like the dinner table of this day and age, isn't it) and it was a snippet of a well-dressed lady talking about juggling her career and motherhood. She said, "I don't think women can have it all, I just don't think so. We pretend we have it all. We pretend we can have it all." I was immediately intrigued. She then goes on to say that she has two daughters and that everyday it was like you are gonna have to make a decision whether you wanna be a wife or a mother or a CEO. She shares the reality of the conflict between the biological clock and the career clock. "Just as you rise to middle management, your kids need you cos they are teenagers and they need you for those teenage years, and by that time your husband decides to be a teenager too so he needs you too.", she laughs and apologises to someone in the crowd whom I presume is her husband. She mentions having to co-op with a lot of people to make it work: family, extended family, colleagues, friends...they are all involved in helping you in this parenting gig. And all though you do all that you can and think you've done a good job at being a mother, your kids might not always see you that way. She recounts missing "class coffee with mothers" at her daughter's school and her daughter would point this out and she'd feel guilty about it. Which leads my wandering mind to this:

Mum Guilt.

Having seen that clip, I realised that every kind of mother has this 'Mum Guilt' syndrome. Whether you are a CE0 mum or a stay at home mum or a work at home mum, whatever it is that you do, you're probably experiencing some form of this. A mum who has to go to the office to work 9-5 and sometimes even have to travel abroad, feels guilty for leaving her child in someone else's care. A mum who is a full-time homemaker, feels guilty for not contributing towards the family finances. A mum who works from home, feels guilty for not being able to give her full undivided attention to her child because she's busy on her laptop chasing deadlines (that's me). And it's true what she says, that we can't have it all. But you have to make it work. How?

Coping Mechanisms.

The moment the lady in the video said these two words, I was like "aha!" It is really all there is to it in managing yourself as a mother, wife and working person. You need to know what works for you in order for you to achieve maximum potential and productivity within your daily life. Now I'm not an expert in this because honestly, I'm still figuring it out myself, but I am beginning to identify my coping mechanisms that are unique to me. Here are some of my few precious CM's:

1. Family
From day one of becoming a new mum, I am blessed with help from family, especially a few special individuals. Sometimes I would have to ask for help, but most times they offer it and do it without my request. I am so appreciative of my aunties who came to visit with home-cooked meals during my confinement period, one even helped me tidy up the kitchen and watch over the baby while I had a shower. Another auntie came to massage me 1-2 times a week for the first few weeks. I have many aunties you see, and as my late mother isn't around, they are all mothers to me. I especially owe most of my gratitude to my amazing mother-in-law who has helped me prepare for the baby during my pregnancy and now she cares for Khadeejah when she comes home after work (She's the Working Professor Mum AND the Super Awesome and Loving Grandma). I'm horrible at expressing my gratitude at times so please know that you are in my du'aas. Jazakillahu khayra mama. <3 I'm also thankful for my dad who takes us out for a treat whenever he's in town. Khadeejah enjoys herself every time. You really do appreciate your parents more when you become one yourself and I enjoy watching Khadeejah spend time with her grandparents. She's so blessed to be around them constantly.

2. Routine
Honestly, I'm still trying to get this one down. I do have some kind of routine, however I remind myself that I need to switch it up once in a while, to break the monotony. Like I know I need to get out of the house more often and take Khadeejah out to see the world so I take any opportunity to go out when it comes by. Especially if there is an event or social gathering that involves other babies and children cos she needs to socialise too. *I* need to socialise too! Despite my introvert tendencies. Anyway, having some kind of routine really helps me cope cos I get really out of it or cranky when it gets disrupted. For example, I pull an all-nighter to work and the next day I'm just super exhausted because of the lack of sleep, which makes it difficult for me to mum for the rest of the day. This has been happening quite often recently and it's not healthy. I need to make more effort in trying to manage my work while keeping the child occupied during the day. All they really want is your attention or something to focus their attention on. Perhaps some activities or new play things (or the same toys but rotate them so it seems new to them after a while). Like I said, still tryna figure this one out.

3. Passion
Keep doing the things you love to do. Or explore new hobbies or interests that acts as an outlet or therapeutic activity. For me, Alhamdulillah, my work is my passion. I don't think I'll ever stop designing because it's what I love to do. I love creating things, sometimes hands-on, through DIY projects. The other day, I took the task of decorating a dear friend's bridal shower and I just enjoyed every moment of doing it despite being tired at times, it just brought me joy. And then seeing the decorations coming together and others enjoying the sight of it made me happy too. And not to mention writing this blog! I am so glad I started this and getting support and encouragement from many of my friends really helps too. I love that I am able to share my thoughts and musings. And I really hope they are somewhat beneficial or entertaining, at least.

4. Islam
Without the remembrance of Allah, prayers, du'aas and the Qur'an, there really is no way of coping even if all the above is in check. And I feel this very strongly at times when my iman is low or I am slacking in my ibaadah. This is an everyday struggle for me and I know it's my test. It is so easy to get pre-occupied with your worldly duties that you forget to come back to your duties to your Creator. May Allah strengthen our imaan and taqwa. Ameen. He is after all, The Sustainer and Provider of the worlds. How could we ever cope without Him? Sometimes, when all else fails, all you can really do is ask for forgiveness and just du'aa it. You'll find that His assistance is always on standby, through many forms and means around you.

Sure, we may not have it all in this dunya, but it was never meant to be that way. So try not to feel guilty about whatever situation you are in as a mother, Allah has decreed it that way and it is the best way for you and your children inshaAllah. The truth is, we *can* have it all, if we simply choose to see it that way. Besides, that is what the Prophet (SAW) has taught us. To be contented with all your affairs, good and bad, is the attitude of a true believer. As the hadith by Muslim goes (rated saheeh),

وعن أبي يحيى صهيب بن سنان رضي الله عنه قال‏:‏ قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ "‏عجبا لأمر المؤمن إن أمره كله له خير، وليس ذلك لأحد إلا للمؤمن ‏:‏ إن أصابته سراء شكر فكان خيراً له، وإن أصابته ضراء صبر فكان خيراً له‏"‏ ‏(‏‏(‏رواه مسلم‏)‏‏)‏‏.‏

Abu Yahya Suhaib bin Sinan (May Allah be pleased with him) reported that:

The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said, "How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity attends him, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him; and if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is better for him".

[Saheeh Muslim].

Some days are tougher than others. When everything seems to bring you down and you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. Whether it be the flu that you're having, or the laundry that's piling up, or your crying child seeking your attention, or who became the president of a country which you don't even live in.

It was one of those days, that I didn't feel good enough as a mother and a wife, that I'm generally not feeling like a good servant of Allah. The rain pours outside as if to compliment my low and sunken mood. I find myself wiping away tears of exhaustion and try to muster up courage and energy to get on with the rest of the day. (after sending emo and venting texts to my other half). And as always, I manage to do it. I manage to see through my baby's needs til the moment she lies in bed at night, sound asleep. But I'm left feeling vacant, I've given my all to my loved ones, and I'm left with a hollow ache.

I know there's only one solution. Not even my husband or child can help fill this void. It is only reserved for my Creator. I've not depended on Him enough which is why I'm running on empty. Because I am not and cannot be self sufficient, only He is. And He is the Provider who provides all that my soul needs.

So I submit and surrender with my head on the ground, releasing my troubles and leaving it there. Silently confide in Him my worries and ask for forgiveness, strength and provision. I read my invocations and dzikr then reach for the Quran...

أَمَّنْ هَٰذَا الَّذِي يَرْزُقُكُمْ إِنْ أَمْسَكَ رِزْقَهُ

Who is he that can provide for you if He should withhold His provision? (Al Mulk 67:21)

حَسْبُنَا اللَّهُ وَنِعْمَ الْوَكِيلُ

"Allah [alone] is sufficient for us, and He is the best Disposer of affairs [for us]." [Al Imran 3:173]

وَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ ۚ وَكَفَىٰ بِاللَّهِ وَكِيلًا

And put your trust in Allah, and Sufficient is Allah as a Wakil (Trustee, or Disposer of affairs). [Al Ahzab 33:3]

Isn't it amazing how Allah azza wajal speaks to you through the Qur'an? It is the greatest miracle there is after all. It somehow rejuvenates you and instills within you peace and reassurance. I let myself absorb those words and reset, recharge and rehabilitate. Taking in the ayaat of the Qur'an as sustenance for my soul. I could feel myself filling up again, no longer empty.

Soul, Mind and Body.

I realised that all I needed was to give myself some TLC. When you're a mother and a wife, it's so easy to forget about putting yourself first in order to take care of everyone else. Cos let's face it, we get so absorbed in our duties that we forget and it's totally normal, but just remember to reset and refresh. And I purposely wrote 'Soul' first, because that's the one that needs your primary care. Otherwise the rest will not follow. I needed to clear my mind and that begins with tidying the room (at least put away all the toys) and make some space for yourself to re-collect your thoughts. I always find that my physical space is always a reflection of my mental space. Then your body. Go and have that nice long hot shower you've been longing instead of the usual 5-minute wash and rinse. Go ahead and use that nice-smelling scrub that has been sitting in your bathroom cabinet untouched, wear a hydrating mask, wash and condition your hair... just do anything that makes you feel slightly pampered and relaxed. Slightly more of yourself again. Then go have that cup of tea you've been wanting to sip all day without anyone disturbing you. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and savour your little 'me' time. (At least until your baby wakes up for the next night feed.) Trust me, it'll be good for you and for your family.

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