Calm and Collected 

True enough, she lived up to her name. She was calm and non fussy as a newborn. Her first three months also a breeze. Besides the usual night feeds and diaper changes, she latched on like a pro and most times I'd only have to feed and burp her and I could put her down and she'd fall asleep on her own. It gave me much time to rest and also give the attention her sister needed too during that adjustment period. 

I definitely feel much more relaxed and because I kinda now what to expect, and now that I'm no longer a first-time-mum, everything feels a lot more manageable and less 'on my toes'. As for handling two kids at once, it was easier than I imagined it to be as they both had very different needs to attend to. Khadeejah, all though happy to meet her new sibling, was a bit sulky with me at first, adjusting to the divided attention. But Alhamdulillah after a few weeks she started to come around.

In saying that, I'm now having to deal with different new phases of childhood with her older sister (aka the Threenager and soon to be Fournado phase) so I'm holding on to whatever calm I can get! and for now, that's you Aaminah. I know you'll be going through all these phases too but I won't forget the peace I received from you which is truly from Allah SWT. Even though I'm guilty for not taking as many photos or videos of you, I hope I can always remember and cherish this wonderful baby year I had with you.

Don't forget to follow me @muslimmummyhood on Instagram and/or Facebook for more updates on our homeschooling journey and my musings on motherhood!
BaarakAllahu feekum. 

We got ready and I packed my bag, knowing I was going to be admitted. I called my dad and told him about it but he was already going out of town, and told me to keep him updated. Poor Khadeejah had to be woken up from her sleep even though I knew she wanted to sleep in from the previous late night. 

We arrived to the hospital around 10am and it took some time trying to find a parking spot so hubs dropped me off first but I wanted to wait for him before seeing the doc, so I got some breakfast for Khadeejah and I. Then I realized I left my phone in the car so I had to borrow a random lady's phone to call the hubs. He was still looking for parking so I decided to just go ahead first and told him to meet me there. The doc had instructed us to go straight to the OBGYN ward.

As I got there, they immediately did another TVS, and found that there was now fluid present near my uterus and it could either be blood or water but either way it's not a good sign. They told me my HCG levels were high, about 2500, and with that count, we should already be able to see the fetus inside my uterus. But it's not there. It was then I first heard the words 'ectopic pregnancy'. Kandungan luar rahim. She told me the fetus is probably in one of my fallopian tubes and that this was dangerous as the tube is not designed to carry a fetus so it could rupture at any moment. That could cause me to bleed out and I could die within a few hours if that happens. She then went on to tell me that I would need to have a laparoscopic surgery immediately and described the procedure to me. My husband was not here yet and I was just in total shock at the point to stomach the information that I was being told. I just needed my husband. He should be here right now. I asked the nurse if I could borrow her phone. He said he was already there so I went out to find him and brought him back to the gynea's room. 

She explained again, now to my husband and as he was now trying to process the information, it began to hit me like a ton of bricks. I COULD DIE. This was serious. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to meet Allah. "Omg I need to bertaubat." "I'm not ready, I'm not ready." I kept thinking to myself. Ya Allah, please forgive me for all my sins. All these thoughts were running through my head as I sat there blankly. I could feel a lump in my throat. We were ushered outside in the waiting room to be transferred to another ward and I was to start fasting in preparation for the surgery. Khadeejah was due for her morning nap so I cradled and nursed her to sleep. Soon I started weeping and turned to hubs and told him "I'm not ready yang. I'm not ready to meet Allah." He then said, with tears welling up in his eyes, "Don't say that. Think positive. It'll be OK inshaAllah."

"But it can happen. You always tell me that death can come at anytime." I cried. He held me but remained firm and told me to just think positive and keep making du'a. He told me not to think about all that right now. Just istighfar and make dua. I wiped my tears and looked at my sleeping Khadeejah, the coolness of my eyes, and told myself the same. I need to positive. If not for me, then for my daughter. 

So I was wheeled to the main tower of PPUM in which I would be warded as I was supposed to wait 6 hours for my surgery to commence. Hubs had already informed both our families by then of what was happening. We also needed to think of Khadeejah's care for the next 24-48 hours. On the way to the ward, I texted my closest cousin, Ayne, and she came right away. She took Khadeejah (who was still napping) down to the lobby while I settled in the ward, and the long waiting hours began.


The pain in my abdomen became a constant cramping and throbbing feeling but my vitals were fine, I had no fever and my bp was ok. But the nurses had to monitor me closely and I was to be checked every half an hour. Around 2pm, Khadeejah woke up from her nap and I nursed her and hugged her closely before she left with my SiL who would take care of her for the night. That was the first time she was ever away from me but I knew she'd be in good hands. 

Hours passed, docs came and went, asking me the same questions and I was growing more and more anxious about the op. As it was almost time, I was told that I had to wait a little bit more as there was another patient before me who was still in the OT. She too, was an ectopic patient but hers was more complicated than mine and I thanked Allah when I heard that, knowing it could be worse. So I waited patiently. Hubs was with me now and he was only having his first meal of the day at 7pm. He was running around all day, getting the medical papers and fees sorted, sorting out Khadeejah's care, and getting me whatever I needed for my hospital stay. He looked exhausted but he was still trying to make me smile and distracting me from feeling nervous. 

My turn finally came up and I could hear the bed to transport me to the OT being wheeled up to my room. I remember just trying to keep myself calm with dhikr and du'aas. The feeling of lying on the cold bed on the way to the OT was terrifying. Suddenly all my senses were amplified, all I could see was white fluorescent lights passing by, hospital interior and signage, sounds of footsteps, the turning wheels of the bed, and elevator bells. I was thinking about those medical TV shows like ER or House and I've seen these images before but now I know what it really feels like and never had I imagined anything like it. In other words, rasa cuak gile ah. I kept on murmuring "La ilaha illallah" to myself but as we got closer to the OT, I started to freak out and held hubby's hand tighter and tighter and focused on him. He told me it was going to be OK and it'll be over soon and hot tears kept rolling down my cheek. I was scared. This was my first ever op and someone's gonna puncture some holes in body! How could you not be terrified of that. 

The wheeling stopped, and I overheard the nurses being informed that the OT is still in use, that there was another emergency case (more emergency than mine) and they had to occupy it. Which meant I had to wait another few hours! All that crying and anxiety for nothing! I was relieved but totally peeved at the same time. Alhamdulillah ala kulli haal. I was wheeled back to my ward and unfortunately, hubs couldn't stay as it was past visiting hours and I was staying in an all women ward which meant that no male visitors were allowed to stay the night. I was sad to see him go but at the same time I wanted him to go home and get some rest too. There's no point for him to stay. At least he was there with me on the first trip to the OT. Now that I knew what to expect, I was less anxious to go there by myself. So adalah hikmahnya.

I waited a few more hours and it was only around 11pm that the OT was available for my turn. This time I kept it together and got through the whole journey with ease. When I entered, the room was cold and I changed into the surgery dress. I had to take off my hijab and they put on like a shower cap on me. I never felt so vulnerable in my life. They transferred me to the operating table and I really felt like I was gonna pee myself there and then. It hit me hard when I saw the huge bright lights (like the ones at the dentist, but 10 times bigger), and docs and nurses gathered around me to prep me, strapping on wires on me and whatnot. A warm hand gently pats my leg and I hear the voice of my surgeon (a really nice, bubbly lady who came to see me several times at the ward) and she told me not to worry, it will be a quick one. 

Still, I was shaking, and the anesthesiologist informed me he was about to inject the sedation soon and it'll hurt but I'll be out before I know it. He was right. It felt like my whole arm when into a spasm as soon as the fluid went through me but I blacked out almost immediately. The next thing I knew, I was slowly waking up from my deep sleep and the op was over. The surgeon said all went well and it only took 20 minutes. I was so drowsy but I still had the energy to remind the nurse to put on my hijab before wheeling me back to the ward. I just wanted to feel covered and safe again. 

I had a well rested sleep (the best I had in a long time) and the next morning I was feeling fine. Tired, but the cramps were gone and there were now 3 bandages on my abdomen, one on my belly button, one left and one right, where my fallopian tubes would be I suppose. My surgeon came to see me that morning and she was still her chirpy self (I wondered if she had any sleep at all?) and she told me that my left tube was successfully removed and it was already swollen. I didn't lose much blood at all due to clot that formed. (Which to me, sounded like one of Allah's miracles) so Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah... Allahu Akbar. I couldn't be more grateful. She continued to say that if all looks good, I could be discharged later that day. And I was. I couldn't wait to go home and see my daughter again. That night, my road to recovery began and I didn't know what to expect but I was just grateful to be alive and be with my family again. 

May Allah bless all the doctors, surgeons, nurses, family and friends who were involved in my op and recovery, especially my husband and immediate family for the moral and emotional support through this. Ameen. 

I think I only started doing some serious reading and prep for the birth when I was about 4 or 5 months. When I realised I was already halfway through the pregnancy. I watched countless youtube videos on birthing, read books/articles/blogs, asked all of the few mom friends that I had on what it was like, and even joined a "birth chat" coffee sesh with moms I've never met before, who basically shared their birth stories (THIS was an eye-opener for me). And SubhanAllah there were a lot of things I did NOT know about giving birth! There was just so much to learn and I had limited time! I absorbed as much information and knowledge I could get my hands on. I learnt about gentle birthing or hypnobirthing (which to me, is pretty much the same thing) and looked up the local birthing groups on FB. (I'll share some links below). I also learnt about breastfeeding and joined TBAN (The Breastfeeding Advocates Network) group on FB too and that was even more eye-opening. I hadn't even thought about breastfeeding and what THAT might be like, and not to mention how to handle a newborn, how to bathe them, co-sleeping, cloth diapering, etc etc. Sure enough, I was overwhelmed. I was swamped by the amount of stuff I needed to know before being a mum. And I think many of my fellow first-time pregnant mum friends went through this too. But let's focus on labour in this post. Here's what I did.

Research

I read, I watched (on youtube...yes videos of other women giving birth) and I asked. But I think the best is to ask. Because everyone has a different birth story and experience and there is always something you can take out of it. It may not necessarily apply to you but perhaps their experience may make it easier for you to make better decisions or direction with your own labour. The key things to remember when researching is this : 

1. Keep an open mind. There will be a lot of different opinions out there. Like on whether to have an epidural, to induce or not to induce, home birth vs hospital birth, etc. You'll be left wondering which one is better? What should I do? This leads us to the next key thing:
2. What kind of birth do you want? The outcome of your research is the answer to this question. You need to have some kind of vision of how you want your birth to be. You need to realise that this is one of the most important transitions you'll ever go through as a woman. How you give birth will affect your postpartum period; the first year of your motherhood and more importantly, how it will affect your baby cos we often forget that it is also *their* transition into the world.
3. There will be pain. Sorry to burst your bubble but even if you have your heart set on getting the epidural or painkillers on standby, some form of pain is inevitable. But you shouldn't put your focus on that cos that's the thing that makes us stronger. Also instead of fearing the pain, read up on ways to manage that pain. These include, pre-natal and labour exercises and massages.
4. We can only plan. You may have written up your detailed birth plan and discussed with your doctor, but always keep in mind that events could change within an instant and it is important to be mentally and emotionally ready for whatever might come. Think about what you are willing to compromise and what you feel strongly about. 

https://www.amazon.com/AMANI-Birth-Assisting-Mothers-Instinctive/dp/098846120X

Exercise, Stretch, Massage

Attend Birthing Classes

Write a Birth Plan

We went home and went about our day like normal. I spent more time on the gym ball, doing as many stretches and exercises as I could manage, especially squats. Double checked my over-packed hospital bag to make sure everything was ready to go. Organised the 'pantang'/ nursery room and even sewed some last minute baby stuff. 

Throughout the day before and on this day, I noticed I've started leaking amniotic fluid. Otherwise, feeling normal and pregnant as ever. 

Took a snapshot of my gloriously big belly, not knowing I was at the peak of pregnancy and that it was the biggest I would ever be. Later that evening, during one of my many, many toilet breaks, I noticed the first blood show (nothing major, just a pinkish discharge which indicates the loss of the mucous plug that seals off your uterus) which was one of the symptoms of labour. I literally ran from the toilet and screamed "Yaaangg!!! I think I'm going into labour!!!" My hubby being kalm-an collected, said, "Are you sure?" I said "Yes! there's blood show. I think that means I have to go to the hospital right? Should I check with Dr?" He nodded. So I did, I called her and asked if this means I need to go to the hospital, she asked if I was feeling any contractions yet and I said no..., just the blood show and that I've been leaking the last few days. She asked me if it was a lot and I said no, just kinda like trickling. I think she wanted to check if my water broke but it didn't sound like it. So she told to stay home for now until I felt the contractions and when I do, just wait until they are 5 minutes apart. 

Hubs was like "haih...buat terkejut je, dah jom tido." Sure enough, not long after I fell asleep, I started waking up to what felt like period cramps and I knew it was a contraction. It wasn't painful or anything, it was subtle but I could feel it. I started my contraction timer app. The pain came and went but it wasn't consistent.. sometimes it was 30 minutes apart.. sometimes it was 10... then back to 30. I tried to sleep as much as I could but it wasn't restful. 

We woke up for fajr as usual and performed our prayers together at home. The contractions have stopped for a while now. After solat, I decided to just sit on my gym ball cos that's the only thing that helps relieve my back. It was a nice chilled morning before the sunrise and hubby and I were just chatting about random stuff. I was already feeling hungry and wanted to prepare some breakfast and start the day early. As I got up and off the ball, I felt a "whoosh" from under me and the first thing I saw was the puddle of water on the floor. Hubby turned to look at what happened and I said, "Um, I think my water broke." Then he goes "Are you sure you didn't just pee yourself?" I looked at him annoyingly and said "I think I would know if I peed myself." 

"So this is it", I thought to myself as I took a quick shower to get ready for the hospital. I texted the doc to tell her I'm leaving for the hospital soon. Then whatsapp-ed my family group to inform them as well. Everyone was getting excited and wanted to be updated with everything. Happy feels all around! I was more excited than nervous or anxious. 

The hospital was only a 5 minute drive from our place, so I said to K, let's have breakfast first. I'm hungry and I want to eat nasi lemak before I have to eat pantang food. I already had my pad on and I was still leaking but I figured it could last for another hour or so. There was a kopitiam just across the hospital so we had our breakfast there. I was leaking more and more so I needed to eat quickly. Which wasn't a good idea cos as soon as were done and when I got into the car, I opened the door again and threw up all my nasi lemak on the road. Sigh. At least that was the last of it (the morning sickness). 

As soon as we arrived, we registered ourselves and I was brought up to the labour room almost immediately. The nurse told me to change into the non-attractive birthing gown and I saw that my pad is now green and I kinda knew what that meant, I read it in one of my pregnancy books. The midwife/nurse came in and said "O'oh." She said that my baby has already pooped inside and that the green stuff is called meconium. I was then ushered on to the bed and they started to strap me up on the monitor. I was worried at first but Alhamdulillah it showed that the baby's heart rate was normal. 

Initially I had written in my birth plan that I did not want to be strapped on the monitor at all times but due to the meconium, they wanted to monitor in case the baby becomes distressed. I still wasn't in any real pain and the contractions were not present since the night before so I was still feeling relaxed and did not mind the straps on my belly. My gynae came in and checked my cervix and told me I was still only 1 cm. She then asked if it would be OK to insert a pill to help soften my cervix and hopefully quicken the process (due to the fact that there is already meconium present and didn't want to risk the baby distressing). So I agreed to it. It was the most uncomfortable thing I ever experienced. It left a stinging feeling afterwards.

It was almost time for Jumaah prayer and the mosque was just accross the road from the hospital so hubs had to leave me for a bit. I sat there, admiring the labour room. The whole hospital had this turquoise theme all around which happens to be my favourite colour and it totally put me at ease. My room colour is the same shade of blue-ish green so it reminded me of home and I felt comfortable. It wasn't one of those cold and sterile looking labour rooms that you would typically imagine. This was one of the reasons we chose to deliver here anyway. 

When he got back, we had some lunch and I began reciting surah Maryam. When I couldn't read, hubs would read to me or I would put on the recitations for me to listen. I kept snacking on biscuits and dates and drinking lots of water. The contractions have started again but it was still far apart. At times in between the contractions I would get down from the bed and bounce lightly on my gym ball (which I brought from home) to ease my back pain. We waited til the evening before they did another VE and I was still at 1cm. As I was not going to deliver anytime soon, I was then wheeled to my room which was a twin sharing room and my roommate had already settled in. I couldn't see her though, cos the curtains were drawn. My SiL came to visit that night and so did my dad, he brought me some pineapple juice to help with the dilation. I don't think it worked but it was yummy to have anyway. 

After they left, I had a nice hot shower that helped to ease some of the pain. It was starting to get more and more intense. By midnight, the doc came in to check up on me again, but I was only at 3 cm. I felt like I was already at 5cm. If all those hours had went by and this is the rate of my progress it dawned on me that I still had a long way to go and there would be more pain to endure. She inserted another pill and again it was uncomfortable and stinging. My doc was very re-assuring though and told me to keep making dua but she also told me that if by the morning I was still not progressing, we would have to resort to an induction. And all though I really didn't want that, I was also worried for the baby inside, swimming in her meconium and might even swallowing it. I knew that there would be the risk of having a c-section if the induction didn't work and I was already feeling nervous about it all. But I focused my energy on trying to get through the pain and tried not to think about the what-ifs. 

The night was miserable. The contractions came and went at regular intervals and I couldn't sleep or find any comfortable position to sleep in. K couldn't sleep too hearing my my moans and groans. I tried not to be too loud though knowing there was another lady next to me. At times I would get up hoping to relieve the pain but it was to no avail. Standing up, sitting down, or lying down, I could not escape it. Hubs even tried to massage my lower back but I was just too tense. I remember just making du'a in my heart, asking Allah to ease the pain and give me strength. And lots and lots of istighfar. 

Doc came in again to check up on me, still at 3 cm. She told me we should do an induction. Feeling dismayed but still hopeful, I nodded. She instructed the nurse to take me to the labour room around 8 AM to be induced. I wanted to have another hot shower to ease the pain again and it was such a relief for the 10-15 minutes I was in there. Just letting the warm water fall on my back (I really recommend this while you are in labour...It's no wonder water births are so popular! Water has a natural calming effect and is an effective natural pain relief. I wish water births were much cheaper and accessible here in Malaysia!) We then made our way to the LR and as I settled in I asked if I could have my breakfast first. The nurse told me to wait while she checked with the doc. We waited. An hour passed, we reminded the nurse and she was still unsure so we waited again. I was still not induced yet so I had no idea what was going on. My contractions were still ongoing and I was starting to get a little grumpy cos I haven't had anything besides the snacks we had with us. 

10 AM

Dr finally came in and she was surprised to find out I haven't eaten my breakfast and I haven't been induced yet! Turns out there was some kind of miscommunication between the midwives/nurses and after some telling off, they scrambled to get me breakfast and started to prep for the induction. I was already in no mood to eat but I tried to get something in me cos I knew I needed the energy. 

Almost as soon as they gave me the pitocin, it began. The hard-rocking labour really began, sending my body into spasms as if someone had kicked me from the back and punched my lower abdomen at the same time. I didn't hold back on my groans this time. But soon enough, I was progressing, I was 5 cm within an hour and a half. 

Around 12 PM

The Dr gave me a painkiller shot to ease the pain slightly and I felt the pain subdue just enough for me to get hold of myself again. The waves of contraction were still there but I could still bear it. I was also taught how to use the happy/laughing gas (Nitrous Oxide) mask for relief but I struggled to use it right. They dimmed the lights and I managed to snooze for a bit. 

Around 2.30 or 3 PM ... 

3.55 PM : My baby was born.

So I figured before I get into motherhood and the likes, it would be befitting to talk about that pre-motherhood 9-month ordeal they call pregnancy. Some of you specifically requested it and I'm all for writing about this so let's talk pregnancy! But before I go on, I would just like to put it out there that this is based on my own experience and it is advisable to note that each and every pregnancy is different and unique to all women. But generally yes, there are many common symptoms that most pregnant ladies will experience and some of them will be mentioned here. 

On getting pregnant.
I had a feeling right away when I was just 2 days late. And I'm never late. At least for most of my menstruating life, that is. I was still in denial though so I anxiously waited another few days. Nothing. It felt weird cos I was still going through PMS-like symptoms like light-headedness, feeling tired and a crazy super appetite A.K.A. FEED ME OR I'LL BE HANGRY kinda hunger...just to name a few (the latter one remained for the rest of the pregnancy). 

I then did the preggo test and let's just say it wasn't a success at first. Here's a quick tip if you're ever gonna do the pee-stick test: take a disposable party cup or small container with you to avoid getting messy. Little did I know back then that this would be the first of many u-tests (you'll be doing it at every monthly check up).

After the first failed attempt, the second one was a success however the line was very faint and I wasn't a 100% sure so we went to my GP for a confirmation. I pretty much did the same thing except her test was more reliable and the line was clear as day on that little stick! She announced to both of us "You're pregnant!" and K's (the hubster) reaction was like: 

I remember waking up to a pang of hunger one day and it felt like I had not eaten for several days. But before I could get some brekkie in me, a wave of nausea transpired and I knew I was going to puke at any moment. You know when you start to have that feeling coming up in your chest and throat and you start salivating. Ugh. Toilet dash it is. I hurled nothingness cos of my empty stomach which I later on grew a preference for. Trust me, it is way better than throwing up a plate of rice with daging salai masak lemak. The after-taste lasted too long for that one which is why it's so memorable. 

I was never a breakfast person before this so that had to change. This was the time when I realised I needed to eat well and take care of myself for the sake of the little spurt. This was the time that I needed as much nutrients as possible. (though that didn't stop me from having fast food every now and then - don't judge!) At first I struggled to eat on time and learnt that I needed to have smaller portions of food but at regular intervals. And SNACK, SNACK, SNACK. Just snack whenever you can! For the first time in my life I felt like eating became a chore cos half the time I didn't have the energy for it. But if I don't eat, I'll get sick. If I eat too much, I'll get sick. If I eat too little, I'll get sick. Oh the dilemma. 

Some of my favourite go-to pregnancy snacks were crackers/biscuits, raisins and assam (taken with moderation just to hilangkan that mual feeling). My cravings throughout included ayam penyet, nasi lemak, pepperoni pizza, chocolate/ice-cream waffles and cheesy nachos. I didn't have any weird ones but all I know is that when the craving starts, it was like I WANT IT, AND I WANT IT NOW! I also had food aversions which for me was the smell of habbatussauda (black seed oil) which really sucks cos it's a sunnah food! Everytime hubster opened up the bottle I would step out of the room. Btw, your smelling senses enhances when you're pregnant, kinda like a superpower! 

I felt incredibly tired all day, everyday and I remember just sleeping A LOT. This part I like. But it always followed with waking up feeling hungry which is the part I don't like. So give and take I guess. However, it got exhausting pretty quickly, being exhausted. So I had to fight it with will and might and lots of duaa for strength/motivation just to go on with my day. 

I went through a minor period of depression due to all the physical changes happening at once and honestly, throwing up on a daily basis for weeks at a time can really get to you. I googled articles on prepartum depression and it is such a thing but rarely talked about. The best way to tackle it is to talk. Confide with  your husband. Tell him all your worries and anxiety about the pregnancy, labour and motherhood. It is overwhelming and who can blame you. Chances are he is also feeling just as nervous as you are but without the added symptoms. Talk it out and cry it out. InshaAllah it is just a phase and once this part is over you'll feel a sense of empowerment and be like "Let's get this baby growing and soldier on!". This is also the time to read up on articles,  blogs, and download apps (look up 'What to Expect' - it's such a great app that shows you your weekly baby updates and how the little one is developing inside you. And also what to expect in the following weeks so you can be mentally prepared). Also don't forget to keep making lots of duaa and ask Allah to ease your anxiety and depression, and seek refuge and peace by reading the Quran. 

للّهُـمَّ إِنِّي عَبْـدُكَ ابْنُ عَبْـدِكَ ابْنُ أَمَتِـكَ نَاصِيَتِي بِيَـدِكَ، مَاضٍ فِيَّ حُكْمُكَ، عَدْلٌ فِيَّ قَضَاؤكَ أَسْأَلُـكَ بِكُلِّ اسْمٍ هُوَ لَكَ سَمَّـيْتَ بِهِ نَفْسَكَ أِوْ أَنْزَلْتَـهُ فِي كِتَابِكَ، أَوْ عَلَّمْـتَهُ أَحَداً مِنْ خَلْقِـكَ أَوِ اسْتَـأْثَرْتَ بِهِ فِي عِلْمِ الغَيْـبِ عِنْـدَكَ أَنْ تَجْـعَلَ القُرْآنَ رَبِيـعَ قَلْبِـي، وَنورَ صَـدْرِي وجَلَاءَ حُـزْنِي وذَهَابَ هَمِّـي

‘Allaahumma innee ‘abduka wa ibn ‘abdika wa ibn amatika, naasiyati bi yadika, maadin fiyya hukmuka, ‘adlun fiyya qadaa’uka, as’aluka bi kulli ismin huwa laka sammayta bihi nafsaka aw anzaltahu fi kitaabika aw ‘allamtahu ahadan min khalqika aw ista’tharta bihi fi ‘ilm il-ghaybi ‘andak an taj’ala al-Qur’aana rabee’ qalbi wa noor sadri wa jalaa’a huzni wa dhahaaba hammi’

“O Allaah, I am Your slave, son of Your slave, son of Your female slave, my forelock is in Your hand, Your command over me is forever executed and Your decree over me is just. I ask You by every Name belonging to You which You named Yourself with, or revealed in Your Book, or You taught to any of Your creation, or You have preserved in the knowledge of the unseen with You, that You make the Qur’aan the life of my heart and the light of my breast, and a departure for my sorrow and a release for my anxiety”

but Allaah will take away his sorrow and grief, and give him in their stead joy.” (Ahmad 1/391)

2nd Trimester: Pregnancy Glow, Baby Bump, and First Kick. 

They say the 2nd trimester is the best 12 weeks of pregnancy and they are so right. My morning sickness eased up, I had a newfound burst of energy, my hair was luscious, my skin looked good, and that baby bump is finally starting to show! But the most magical of all is feeling the first flutters of your little spurt from the inside. I told my SIL it felt like popcorn popping in my belly or like that candy that pops in your mouth but in your tummy instead. As weeks go by the kicks start getting stronger and noticeable and you will start seeing your belly move on its own. Freaky aliens VS predator stuff but also a pretty awesome sight. 

Oh and not forgetting we had our first ultrasound scan on the 13th-week and when we first laid eyes on our peanut, it was love at first sight. Both of us got teary eyed and it was such a beautiful moment to see teeny tiny Khadeejah moving and kicking and hearing her heartbeats for the first time. We wanted to know the gender but it was too early so we had to wait for the 20th week scan. It was then that the sonographer told us it was 60% chance a baby girl. (Enough percentage for me to go ahead and buy little dresses and pink stuff!) We announced to the rest of our family right after the scan and we were happy to finally share the happy news!

3rd Trimester: The Final Stretch.

Literally. Stretch marks will most likely be visible by now and you're itching your belly like a big ape. Time to bust out your argan oils and VCO's to ease the itch and hopefully lessen those marks! Honestly I was too lazy to apply it and still am now so my marks are still here albeit it's no longer itchy. Phewh! You're also gloriously bigger and rounder now so be prepared for those "mak buyung" comments which I personally found annoying and kinda offensive. I already feel fat and whale-like. You don't have to make it worse! Don't you know how sensitive we are at this point in time? Sheesh. 

BTW, I was recommended to consume this tea to help with labour and it's delicious! I don't know how much it really helped but anything to help with labour and plus I love tea so I'd totally recommend it too! You can get it here if you are expecting or if you know someone who is, it would be a lovely gift to give! You can simply get it online now, just click HERE.

Anyhow, I remember the 3rd trimester being very challenging but I think it prepared me for motherhood more than anything. Cos this was when I started to lose sleep. Here's how it went: I was getting heavier by the week and when you're heavy you get a sore back and you need to rest but you can't sit too long, stand too long, or lie down for too long. Finding a comfortable position to lie in bed is another losing battle. Your body temperature is at a high and it was also the hazy season which added to the discomfort. I had to get up to pee several times during the night. And whenever I ate too much or had spicy food I would suffer from a really bad heart burn which meant I needed to sleep propped up which also meant more discomfort for my back. And whaddya know, baby decides to be a night owl and is active and kicking like crazy at night which all factored towards me not getting enough sleep and rest as I should've or would've liked. To top it off, the nausea decided to return for a visit at unexpected times. (I once asked K to stop the car to the side of the road and puked as soon as I opened the door.) Felt sorry for those who saw. 

Towards the end where I was nearing the last few weeks or so I was just ready for this baby to come out and get this over and done with. Growing a baby is NOT easy. It takes a lot of mental and physical strength as well as emotional. But nothing beats feeling your little one grow inside you and falling in love with someone you haven't met yet. I finally understood the meaning of a mother's love the moment I felt the first kick. The mercy and compassion that Allah puts in a mother's heart for their child starts from inside the womb. It is indescribable and amazingly wonderful. And it sends me shivers when I'm reminded of this hadeeth:

(Hadits Qudsi: narrated Bukhari) «لله أرحم بعباده من الأم بولدها» Umar Ibn al-Khattab (ra) relates that some prisoners were brought before Allah’s Messenger (saw) and amongst them was a woman who was frantically searching for someone in the crowd. When she found a baby amongst the prisoners, she took it in her arms, cradled it next to her chest and suckled it. So Allah’s Messenger (saw) said: “Do you think that this woman would ever throw her child into the fire?” We said: ‘By Allah, Never!’ So he said: “Allah is more merciful to His believing servants than that mother could ever be to her child.” [Bukhari (10/426) & Muslim (18/80)]

Can we get a takbeer or what?! Allahu Akbar!

So that's my pregnancy in a nutshell. Tips and preparation to come in future posts as well as labour+birth story inshaAllah!